Trembling Inside : My Life Today

19 Feb

When I started this blog and chose a tagline for it, one thing that I promised myself is that I’ll be honest in my writing. I take my promise seriously to the point that if I feel I couldn’t write honestly, I won’t write anything at all. Now I’m going to make good of the oath, strip myself bare for once and let you catch a glimpse of my naked, ugly self.

As I write this, I am about to do a couple of huge things : quitting smoking and codeine ( a painkiller given to me by my physicians to manage my pain during my hospitalization time and outpatient treatment period ). For some people, it may not seem big at all. For myself, those two are like a couple of monsters looming over the horizon, ready to pounce at me at any given moment. Why ? Maybe because smoking has been something that I’ve been doing for 17 years and I don’t know how to function without it. Maybe because codeine operates in the same brain receptors that heroin did to me long ago, – that quitting it gets me into the same crazy, panicked state of mind. I just don’t know. I don’t even know if I can explore why I am scared. The feeling is just there, – getting bigger and more gut-wrenching as I am approaching my quit day.

I am scared of the state I am now. Of the way and situations of my family. I am scared if I won’t have any idea how to support them and fulfill their every needs, – the way every responsible father does. I’m afraid that my first son will not get the most appropriate treatment for autism there is, or that I won’t be able to afford it. I am afraid that I will not be a good enough worker for my employers that someday I’ll lose my job.

It doesn’t stop there. On the more personal, intimate front, I am scared that I will not be a good enough father for my kids, – with my emotional and psychological baggage and my inability to provide for them. I am frightened that I will be a bad husband for my dear wife; – which is so unfair because that Angel of mine has been a very strong and supporting wife for me. I am scared that I will not be strong enough not only to hug and hold her hand, – but even just to walk at the same pace as she does. I am afraid that I won’t be a good man I know I should strive to be, and get trapped in the same cycle of complacency and, yes, even self-pity. This ghost of fear is a very real one and continues to haunt me in my every waking hour in these last couple of days, – so persistent it even hunts me to my sleep and conjures itself in every possible nightmare. There I would be, waking with a racing heartbeat and forced to take at least half an hour to calm myself down.

Yet I know that there is no other way to proceed if I’m to grow and be more than what I am right now. I just have to embrace the fact that to be better feels bitter. I just pray that I will have you all with me as my friends as I stare my fears right on the eyes and do what I have to do. Thanks for letting me pour myself out this time.

P.S. : My quit date is on Sunday, 22 February 2009. Do you guys think I should take a couple of days off my work for that ? 🙂


3 Responses to “Trembling Inside : My Life Today”

  1. Nindya February 19, 2009 at 5:07 am #

    I found it at Tumblr: “Most of the things that you feared will happen usually won’t happened” (anyways, pardon for the grammatical errors 😀 )

    And my opinion sir, unfortunately, should stand against you. As far as I know, you are a loving father, a great husband and the best friend a person can get.

    Your children will always know you as their strong and inspiring father and they will be so proud of you. Leonnie? I believe she feels the same too. I’m not taking any responsibility if she whacks you at your head when you said that you’re not a good husband. I believe that she knows, she feels and she believes you are a good husband.

    Well yeah, not everyday we could be optimistic and strong. Sometimes we think that we are weak and unable to do anything. Yes, we are weak and unable to do aything – if we are alone. And you are not alone there 🙂 You have your dream team. The best team in the world. Your family and your friends. And you are the strongest person in this world 🙂

    Actually I’m missing Scotland time zone though 😐 Oh well, waiting until I have unlimited bandwidth package (next month, I hope. LOL) so I could go ‘ngeronda’ again and if you happen to wake up in the middle of the night, you always know that there are some funky guys at JTUG with their sarung, kentongan and singkong goreng *digeplak*

  2. Patrick February 19, 2009 at 5:28 am #

    Fa, I know a Guy who would listen to your fear and uncertainty in life, and will give you some hints and guides on dealing with things. Call him, he’s just a pray away. 🙂

    On the other note, I myself not a good cheerboy (whatever that means), but I speak of what I see, I read, and I heard. You’re a great father, husband, and a great individual. Of course, there will times where we feel uncertain on some things, that makes us humans. But how to deal with that makes us divine. 🙂

    We believe in you Fa. You could brace yourself and you will find the answers soon. Just keep the faith (said Bon Jovi one time).

    On quitting smoking, well me father is a heavy-smoker for 32 years or more, last year he quit entirely. How? he chew gums or something like that.(Where am I going with this?) Well, quitting is hard, I’ve seen his look back then, but it’s worth it Fa, very worthed it..

    I’m sorry if you probably doesn’t understand all of my blabber above. But the point is, Put the will and the faith, and He will help. 😀

    and btw, We all here for you. 🙂

  3. LeonnieFM February 19, 2009 at 6:34 am #

    Hon, would you believe me if I said that I’m glad those things are the things you’re scared of. Because they can only mean that you are indeed a responsible, loving father & husband.

    Me and the kids are well taken care of, and I must thank you for that.

    This will be a battle you won’t face alone, my love… and please remember that you have won similar or worse battles before and you were “lonelier” than now… so, if this uncomfortable feeling is what you have to deal to win another battle, then embrace your fears baby, stare them in the eyes and say: you guys here can only make me go one way: better!

    Love, your wife.

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