When I started this blog and chose a tagline for it, one thing that I promised myself is that I’ll be honest in my writing. I take my promise seriously to the point that if I feel I couldn’t write honestly, I won’t write anything at all. Now I’m going to make good of the oath, strip myself bare for once and let you catch a glimpse of my naked, ugly self.
As I write this, I am about to do a couple of huge things : quitting smoking and codeine ( a painkiller given to me by my physicians to manage my pain during my hospitalization time and outpatient treatment period ). For some people, it may not seem big at all. For myself, those two are like a couple of monsters looming over the horizon, ready to pounce at me at any given moment. Why ? Maybe because smoking has been something that I’ve been doing for 17 years and I don’t know how to function without it. Maybe because codeine operates in the same brain receptors that heroin did to me long ago, – that quitting it gets me into the same crazy, panicked state of mind. I just don’t know. I don’t even know if I can explore why I am scared. The feeling is just there, – getting bigger and more gut-wrenching as I am approaching my quit day.
I am scared of the state I am now. Of the way and situations of my family. I am scared if I won’t have any idea how to support them and fulfill their every needs, – the way every responsible father does. I’m afraid that my first son will not get the most appropriate treatment for autism there is, or that I won’t be able to afford it. I am afraid that I will not be a good enough worker for my employers that someday I’ll lose my job.
It doesn’t stop there. On the more personal, intimate front, I am scared that I will not be a good enough father for my kids, – with my emotional and psychological baggage and my inability to provide for them. I am frightened that I will be a bad husband for my dear wife; – which is so unfair because that Angel of mine has been a very strong and supporting wife for me. I am scared that I will not be strong enough not only to hug and hold her hand, – but even just to walk at the same pace as she does. I am afraid that I won’t be a good man I know I should strive to be, and get trapped in the same cycle of complacency and, yes, even self-pity. This ghost of fear is a very real one and continues to haunt me in my every waking hour in these last couple of days, – so persistent it even hunts me to my sleep and conjures itself in every possible nightmare. There I would be, waking with a racing heartbeat and forced to take at least half an hour to calm myself down.
Yet I know that there is no other way to proceed if I’m to grow and be more than what I am right now. I just have to embrace the fact that to be better feels bitter. I just pray that I will have you all with me as my friends as I stare my fears right on the eyes and do what I have to do. Thanks for letting me pour myself out this time.
P.S. : My quit date is on Sunday, 22 February 2009. Do you guys think I should take a couple of days off my work for that ? 🙂